In order to communicate and negotiate effectively with your spouse you need to understand their map of the world. You don’t have to adopt it, believe it’s true or even believe it’s particularly sensible, but you do need to understand it. That’s because your partner’s map of the world is what controls his or her behavior. It is the part of them that you interact with all the time and it is the thing that motivate them to do what they do and say what they say.

If you don’t try to understand their map you will be tempted to interpret their behavior using the only other map you have access to – yours. You may start thinking things like “ Well if I was doing what he is doing then I would be feeling this, so that is what he must be feeling” or “when she says that what she really means is this, because that is what I would mean if I said that.” Sadly, in most cases you will be hopelessly wrong.
The best way to figure out somebody’s map is often very simple, you ask them!! It really is that simple. When you catch yourself dipping into your own frame of reference to understand you partner STOP!! Ask them “What did you mean by that?” or “How does that make sense to you?” or even “what lets you know that?”

We might think that the topographical map is very accurate but it also leaves out a lot of information – who lives in the houses, the names of the businesses and what they sell, the color the front doors are painted for example. This is OK as long as you don’t go to the map expecting that data to be there.

We also store maps in our own heads – for example my sister in law recently visited and wanted to drive from our house to downtown. My map said deerfooot trail, memorial drive, 4th street bridge, because I wanted the fastest route. She is not from Calgary so her map said center street all the way, a lot slower but also much more difficult to get lost which was her prime concern. Now the interesting thing is that both of these maps work even though they are very different. So we make maps all the time for different purposes and we add or leave out different information depending on the purpose of the map. But even very different maps can work well for different people
We also make maps for things other than just getting around. I have a map for how to make my wife happy, how to do a good job, how to help someone in distress etc. I have built these maps up over time and added new features as I discovered them or changed routes as I found better ways to get where I was going.

Now these are trivial examples but it is the tip of the iceberg – the belief that you know better, that your partner isn’t as wise in this area or that, and that somehow God gave you the right to correct him or her and set them on the right path. This is where the real problem starts. It starts because your partner has exactly the same ideas and is intent on correcting your mistakes.

The trick is to accept that your partner has different ideas and they are no better or worse than yours, just different. This takes a major leap of faith – to believe that your view of the world is not the only one possible or at least, not the only right one. That you can be right and your partner can also be right, even though you don’t believe the same things. After all your partner has gone though a set of life experiences that led them to the things they now believe. You can’t say that this is of no value or consequence, just because they didn’t interpret things the way you think they should.

At the same time their answer isn’t necessarily the right one for you. You went through you own set of experiences and at great cost figured out what those experiences meant and how to deal with them. You’re not going to abandon your hard-won truths. I guess the question is “can you allow your partner to believe what they believe as long as you are free to believe what you want?” if you can you might be on the road to lifelong happiness